


goddard university is a respectable establishment

by coffeedregs



Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Chatting & Messaging, Eiffel and Hera are Roommates, F/F, M/M, Other, Trans Daniel Jacobi, Trans Hera (Wolf 359), also it's briefly mentioned but hera is a twitch streamer, hera says fuck, kepler is a clueless cis man and that is something so personal to me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:08:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24548890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffeedregs/pseuds/coffeedregs
Summary: im just posting this so i can link it on twitter. don't look at me.
Relationships: Daniel Jacobi & Alana Maxwell, Daniel Jacobi/Warren Kepler, Doug Eiffel & Daniel Jacobi, Doug Eiffel & Hera, Hera & Renée Minkowski, Hera/Alana Maxwell, Isabel Lovelace/Renée Minkowski
Comments: 31
Kudos: 133





	1. eiffera and lovelace's broken gaydar

**Author's Note:**

> club hephaestus is a small, very unofficial space exploration enthusiast club (it is NOT "alien club," EIFFEL!) at goddard university. they are a mess. gay people
> 
> also jic it needs clarification here is the cast and their screen names  
> hera: hera214  
> minkowski: ModernMajorMinkowski  
> eiffel: dougiefresh  
> lovelace: thefinallovelace  
> jacobi: reaper_man
> 
> :3

**🌌🪐club hephaestus gc💫🌌**

hera214: guys guys guys oh my god we HAVE to bully lovelace

ModernMajorMinkowski: ??

reaper_man: im always down to bully lovelace

thefinallovelace: HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW

hera214: i am literally still laughing there are tears on my fucking face

ModernMajorMinkowski: what happened

hera214: she thought eiffel and i were together

ModernMajorMinkowski: WHAT

reaper_man: LMAOOOO WHAT THE FUCK

thefinallovelace: FIRST OF ALL WHY IS JACOBI EVEN HERE HES NOT EVEN AN OFFICIAL CLUB MEMBER

thefinallovelace: SECOND OF ALL SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP

ModernMajorMinkowski: isabel i love you but how could you possibly think that

thefinallovelace: THEY ALWAYS CALL EACH OTHER BABY AND SWEETHEART AND STUFF

thefinallovelace: AND EVERY TIME I COME OVER HERA IS IN EIFFELS LAP

hera214: OKAY? BITCH I HAVE LITERALLY KISSED YOU ON THE LIPS

thefinallovelace: THATS DIFFERENT!!

hera214: HOW IS IT DIFFERENT

thefinallovelace: IDK IT JUST IS! YOU ALWAYS ACT LIKE YOURE IN LOVE OR SOMETHING

reaper_man: do you like not have friends or 

hera214: THAT’S JUST BECAUSE I’VE KNOWN THIS CUNT FOR 7 YEARS

hera214: your gaydar is literally so bad

thefinallovelace: WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING

hera214: i have massive gay feelings for maxwell i thought everyone knew

reaper_man: i wish u would just date already so u would stfu

hera214: eat my ass ! i’m yearning

reaper_man: she was listening to fucking mitski yesterday im begging you to put her out of her misery

hera214: fuck off gayboy ur username is a mother mother song now shut up before i call u a slur

reaper_man: HELLO? CAN YOU DIE?

hera214: anyway this isnt about me! this is about lovelace honestly thinking i’m in a romantic relationship with doug fucking eiffel 

thefinallovelace: WHATEVER. WHATEVER!

hera214: what do you think this is? who do you think i am??? you think i would date a man named DOUG?

ModernMajorMinkowski: this is so mean he’s not even here to defend himself

hera214: for the record i’ve kissed minkowski more than i’ve kissed eiffel

ModernMajorMinkowski: hera!!!!!!!!

reaper_man: stop talking about kissing it’s gross

hera214: okayyy homophobe

reaper_man: yesterday u said my outfit looked ‘fruity’

hera214: IT WAS A JOKE BECAUSE YOU HAD FRUITS ON YOUR SHIRT YOU DUMB IDIOT HOMO BABY

thefinallovelace: u guys kiss?

ModernMajorMinkowski: NO

hera214: :3

ModernMajorMinkowski: STOP SAYING THIS

ModernMajorMinkowski: goodnight kisses do not count

hera214: renée, i’m heartbroken

thefinallovelace: wow u don't give me goodnight kisses :/

ModernMajorMinkowski: JDKFJFJF@;$

_-dougiefresh is online-_

dougiefresh: why do i have so many notifications

hera214: hi sweetheart how was class

dougiefresh: it was cool!! i took a nap

hera214: good on u for getting some rest u were up late last night

dougiefresh: cause i didnt wanna miss ur stream baby

thefinallovelace: do you all see this shit? are you kidding me? literally HOW am i dumb

ModernMajorMinkowski: no one said ur dumb!

reaper_man: i think ur dumb

thefinallovelace: fuck u!!!


	2. the great kepler debate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the crew has a friendly discussion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hera: hera214  
> minkowski: ModernMajorMinkowski  
> eiffel: dougiefresh  
> lovelace: thefinallovelace  
> jacobi: reaper_man  
> maxwell: am_065_073

**🤡warren kepler gay debate club🤡**

_-ModernMajorMinkowski is online-_

hera214: i just dont think he meets the full definition 

thefinallovelace: but the *potential* is there 

hera214: just because he has potential it doesnt mean he is one!

ModernMajorMinkowski: what did i walk into

am_065_073: we’re debating whether or not kepler is a himbo

hera214: he’s not

ModernMajorMinkowski: do i want to ask?

am_065_073: himbos are the perfect intersection of buff, stupid, and kind and im sorry but he just does not fall into that category 

am_065_073: he’s just an idiot with a planet fitness subscription 

thefinallovelace: he’s not that bad he’s nice to me!

hera214: only because you two have frat boy solidarity 

reaper_man: sure he’s kind of a dick but so are the rest of u

am_065_073: none of us are claiming to be himbos

dougiefresh: :(

am_065_073: okay eiffel can be a himbo but not kepler

reaper_man: why NOT

hera214: because kepler doesnt drink his respecting women juice! that’s a key himbo element!!!

thefinallovelace: WYM HE DOESNT DRINK HIS RESPECTING WOMEN JUICE YES HE DOES

am_065_073: he has bad buffy the vampire slayer takes.

reaper_man: you think everyones buffy the vampire slayer takes are bad

am_065_073: no ur takes are both bad bc ur both stupid. minkowski has good takes she kins buffy

ModernMajorMinkowski: I DONT KIN BUFFY

am_065_073: yes u do. its a compliment. anyway !

thefinallovelace: himbos are not born himbos they BECOME himbos and i just think kepler is on the path 

am_065_073: he is not on the path he is nowhere near the path he has taken a jackhammer to the path and then flooded the entire area with cement so no one can ever see the path again

ModernMajorMinkowski: well i dont think its *that* much of a stretch

am_065_073: oh renée not u... i TRUSTED u…

ModernMajorMinkowski: im not saying anything yet! im just not ANTI himbo kepler

hera214: okokok

hera214: look. lets use eiffel as an example

hera214: eiffel is himbo supreme

dougiefresh: fuck yes i am

hera214: eiffel is dumb as rocks, thick of ass, pure of heart, AND he drinks his respect women juice

ModernMajorMinkowski: most of the time

thefinallovelace: and when he doesnt we check his ass

hera214: this is exactly why hes my comfort white boy

thefinallovelace: same

ModernMajorMinkowski: same

am_065_073: same

dougiefresh: wait go back

hera214: ?

dougiefresh: u think my ass is fat?

hera214: baby of COURSE i think ur ass is fat ur so sexy king

dougiefresh: <3<3<3

am_065_073: so model himbo doug eiffel

am_065_073: lets compare the two

hera214: eiffel >

am_065_073: ok, not what i meant.. when eiffel is stupid it’s sweet and endearing but when kepler is stupid it’s because he thinks heterophobia is real

thefinallovelace: kepler would unironically text me ‘im in the pad aisle what size pussy u wear’

reaper_man: kepler saw my T in the cabinet and asked me what it was and i told him it was testosterone and he asked me if i was using it as a workout supplement

hera214: im crying im in tears

reaper_man: he just sends me protein shake recipes now

thefinallovelace: it’s like he hasn’t seen your arms

reaper_man: rude

am_065_073: so minkowski whats the verdict

ModernMajorMinkowski: i think……………

am_065_073: yeeees?

ModernMajorMinkowski: kepler is not a himbo

thefinallovelace: booo

hera214: SEE

reaper_man: misandry

am_065_073: jacobi shut the fuck up

reaper_man: IM JOKING?

thefinallovelace: i hate seeing men laugh in the group chat whats so funny ? misogyny ?

reaper_man: SHUT UP

dougiefresh: wow jacobi its so uncool of u to silence women

reaper_man: he can BE A HIMBO 

ModernMajorMinkowski: no jacobi i dont think he can

reaper_man: ok u know what

_-reaper_man added WarrenPeace to the chat-_

am_065_073: ***JACOBI***

WarrenPeace: ?

reaper_man: bye!

_-reaper_man left-_

WarrenPeace: what’s a himbo


	3. cw: cishet kepler

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the girls play a prank on warren kepler, known heterosexual. it goes well for everyone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hera: hera214  
> minkowski: ModernMajorMinkowski  
> eiffel: dougiefresh  
> lovelace: thefinallovelace  
> jacobi: reaper_man  
> maxwell: am_065_073  
> kepler: WarrenPeace  
> \--  
> i haven't been to gsa at my school yet but i do remember getting some serious side-eye for saying down with cis at a meeting at my high school gsa. ANYWAY!

**🍂🌺🌕wlw against warren kepler🌕🌺🍂**

thefinallovelace: ur coming w us 2 gsa next week right

WarrenPeace: yes

WarrenPeace: remind me why you’re insisting that i come with you and not daniel and alana

thefinallovelace: she *is* coming w but not jacobi cuz he always complains no one laughs at his jokes

WarrenPeace: i see

hera214: it’s probably because half the time his jokes are like mildly homophobic?

WarrenPeace: but jacobi is gay… and you make homophobic jokes all the time

hera214: yeah okay BUT NOT AT GSA.

hera214: anyway before we go there’s something we gotta talk to u about or else u can’t come

thefinallovelace: there is?

hera214: yeah lovelace remember the thing

thefinallovelace: oh yeah

thefinallovelace: yeah it’s part of the policy

WarrenPeace: ?

hera214: yeah sooo since ur a cishet ally u gotta put on some kinda indication before u show up because the gsa club is a safe space

WarrenPeace: really? that seems a little... archaic

thefinallovelace: it’s just a club rule for first time club goers dont worry

WarrenPeace: do i just have to wear a sticker that says “hello i’m a straight guy” on it?

hera214: oh no we actually got u something!

WarrenPeace: …

_-thefinallovelace sent an image.-_

thefinallovelace: u can wear this pin

hera214: yea it’s like a cishet pride flag that allies use for situations like this :)

WarrenPeace: i see

WarrenPeace: how much do i owe you for it

hera214: oh dont worry about it at all

thefinallovelace: yeah consider it a gift from us

WarrenPeace: alright

hera214: :)

WarrenPeace: :)

thefinallovelace: i’ll give it to maxwell next time i see her

thefinallovelace: anyway bye see u monday!

* * *

_monday, 10/7/19_

**🤡warren kepler gay debate club🤡**

reaper_man: wtf did u DO

ModernMajorMinkowski: what’s going on jacobi?

reaper_man: i know u were in on it too

reaper_man: i hate u all so much

thefinallovelace: wym jacobi?

am_065_073: yea jacobi whats wrong?

reaper_man: do u ever consider that when u all mess w kepler who i LIVE WITH then i’m the one who has to deal with it

hera214: did someone mess with kepler?

reaper_man: fuck you this was probably your idea

am_065_073: it was not

reaper_man: alana i genuinely hope you die in a horrible accident

am_065_073: not before you<3

dougiefresh: am i the only one who’s lost

hera214: oh eiffel babe i forgot u missed the last gsa meeting!

dougiefresh: yea i was finishing up a last minute project

dougiefresh: what happened?

reaper_man: so kepler came into my room yesterday

reaper_man: and he just stood in the doorway all quiet which is a horrible terrible sign

reaper_man: i thought he was gonna threaten to kick me out or like make me clean the bathroom or something

reaper_man: and he asks me

reaper_man: daniel

reaper_man: i go oh god who died

reaper_man: this man asks me. what the straight pride flag looks like

dougiefresh: he still thinks he’s straight?

am_065_073: yes

reaper_man: yes, not the point

reaper_man: then he asks abt the cis flag but he says ‘cisgendered’ even tho we’ve gone over that one like 80 times im p sure he only does it around me to annoy me

am_065_073: he does

reaper_man: th

reaper_man: okay i will unpack that one later. 

reaper_man: im like uhh i don’t think there is a cis pride flag

reaper_man: he goes “so… there isn’t a cis and straight pride flag”

ModernMajorMinkowski: sdklj;lbgf’;fkjgb

reaper_man: AT THIS POINT IM LIKE OKAY, WTF

reaper_man: so i fucking LOOK AT HIM.

hera214: and he looks at me~ and i look at him~

reaper_man: AND I SAY KEPLER,

reaper_man: WHY ARE YOU WEARING A RABIES PRIDE PIN.

am_065_073: GSKJDFHKJVFJKJKBLDXF’DF;’

thefinallovelace: FUCK ME RUNNINGGGGG

dougiefresh: YOU GAVE HIM A RABIES PIN?!

thefinallovelace: he wore it the WHOLE TIME

ModernMajorMinkowski: he kept getting really weird looks

am_065_073: at some point he asked about it and i was like theyre just not used to straight ppl being here dw

reaper_man: he got quiet again and he just says “the rabies pride flag.” and i say YES. and he goes huh. and i kinda laugh and i’m like where’d you get that and he says LOVELACE AND HERA

reaper_man: and i say they were absolutely just messing with you

reaper_man: and now he won’t leave me alone about cishet pride flags!!!!!!!!!!!!

am_065_073: DESERVE

reaper_man: HE KEEPS SHOWING ME RANDOM FLAGS AND ASKING ME ABOUT THEM! DOES HE NOT KNOW HOW TO GOOGLE DEFINITIONS

hera214: well if you think about it we kinda did you a favor

reaper_man: HOW. HOW

ModernMajorMinkowski: well the more time he spends looking at flags and asking you about them………

reaper_man: YES?

thefinallovelace: well eventually *something* is gonna click in that brain of his

reaper_man: OKAY I DON’T CARE ABOUT KEPLERS GAY JOURNEY

am_065_073: no?

ModernMajorMinkowski: i find that hard to believe

reaper_man: i DONT CARE

hera214: not even a little bit?? u don’t care about kepler realizing he wants to bone his gay little roommate?

reaper_man: LITERALLY FUCK YOU!

hera214: not into twinks but maybe eiffel’s down

reaper_man: I……

dougiefresh: i mean

dougiefresh: whats a little quickie between bros :-)

reaper_man: goodnight

thefinallovelace: its 6 pm

reaper_man: good NIGHT

  
  



	4. INTERMISSION: just a little bro bonding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jacobi and eiffel have a little heart to heart. feelings are had, advice is given, and eiffel reminds jacobi that he's dtf (no homo)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> reaper_man: jacobi  
> dougiefresh: eiffel  
> \--  
> when u sit down to make a jacoffel joke and then accidentally have cute jacobi eiffel friendship moments. whoopsie

**jacobee🐝🎥**

reaper_man: hey

dougiefresh: hey jacobi :-)

dougiefresh: ...diiiiid ya need something?

reaper_man: i was just

dougiefresh: just

reaper_man: u and hera are for SURE not dating like at all right

dougiefresh: nope! we’re best friends

dougiefresh: listen man if this is about the quickie between bros thing i really dont mind at all

reaper_man: ITS NOT.

dougiefresh: im not looking for a relationship or anything like that rn but ur cute and if u need some stress relief or something im down :-)

reaper_man: THSI ISNT FUCKIGJFJ

reaper_man: IM NOT ASKING U FOR A HANDJOB EIFFEL

dougiefresh: okay!!!! dont bite my head off!

dougiefresh: the offers still in the air if u change ur mind tho

reaper_man: i probably wont change my mind! but thanks?????,?

reaper_man: jfc ANYWAY listen i was just wondering 

reaper_man: u and hera flirt ALL the time and its not even tiny stuff its like. u always talk about making out and u call each other really romantic names

reaper_man: how can u tell when someone is being platonic with u like that

reaper_man: how do u decide the difference between someone hitting on u or someone just being friendly the way u and hera are

dougiefresh: weeell the situation w me and hera is a little more complex than just being able to tell when someones hitting on me

dougiefresh: for one thing heras always just rly flirty w her friends

dougiefresh: if anything i think she flirts LESS with ppl shes into bc she gets flustered (dont tell her i said that btw she’ll kill me)

dougiefresh: plus hera and i have been friends for basically forever

reaper_man: how longs forever

dougiefresh: going on 8 years!

reaper_man: damn thats a lot of years

dougiefresh: sure is :-) weve been friends so long that there’s never really a question about our flirting, if that makes sense? like if hera calls me her house husband or if i kiss her cheek we don't have to think about whether that *means* anything 

dougiefresh: thats just how we interact

reaper_man: ...huh

dougiefresh: any particular reason ur askin me about me and heras flirting habits, if ur not hitting on me? ;)

reaper_man: shut up

reaper_man: its just. i think ive been flirting with this guy but i dont really know

reaper_man: we’re… friends.

reaper_man: and ive flirted with guys and been flirted with before but its always really obvious thats whats going on and this is different 

reaper_man: i think he likes me? 

reaper_man: i mean he definitely likes me. but i dont know how much he likes me in a “let’s get together” kind of way

dougiefresh: weeeell, how does he act that makes u unsure?

reaper_man: at first it was just normal levels of niceness i think but then lately he’s been weirdly gentle with me?

reaper_man: hes the type of guy who likes to get up in ur space a lot when u talk to him and i used to hate it so he backed off until i got used to it

reaper_man: but the other day he got really close to me while we were having a conversation and then it got quiet and soft all of a sudden and i don't know how the fuck im supposed to fucking take that 

dougiefresh: how soft we talking?

reaper_man: we held hands

dougiefresh: you HELD HANDS

dougiefresh: and ur confused whether he likes you?

reaper_man: ITS NOT THAT SIMPLE

reaper_man: alana and i have held hands before but she also punches me really hard and i throw things at her we have a healthy violence-to-affection ratio

dougiefresh: and u and kepler dont?

reaper_man: who said kepler

dougiefresh: jacobi u have like 4 friends that arent us

reaper_man: FUCK YOU? I HAVE FRIENDS

reaper_man: i could be talking about literally anybody

dougiefresh: but ur not

reaper_man: fuck you

reaper_man: im not

dougiefresh: relax im not gonna snitch! i think its cute

reaper_man: if u dont stop calling me cute im gonna throw u out a window. 

dougiefresh: wilco mister jacobi

dougiefresh: i think handholding is typically a pretty flirty activity 

dougiefresh: does he usually hold hands with anyone else?

reaper_man: i dont think ive ever seen him hold anyone elses hand

reaper_man: one time we were at a party that he fucking DRAGGED US TO and i was just trying to drink in silence while playing cards w alana and then i see him across the room

reaper_man: fucking wasted as shit (and that guys kinda a tank so i dont even wanna think about how much money he has to spend to get proper DRUNK like that)

reaper_man: and hes just ? got his arms wrapped around the people he’s talking to ?? and he’s explaining something about corn surplus in america and the use of antibiotics in the agricultural industry or some shit??? AND HES LIKE. BASICALLY BEAR HUGGING THESE POOR PEOPLE

reaper_man: he gets… handsy but i think it’s just. the way that he is when he’s talking

reaper_man: its like he wants to hold ur attention but he has to physically hold u in place to do it

reaper_man: idk why he feels the need to do that

reaper_man: its not like he has any difficulty holding ppls attention? he talks and u have to put effort into not listening 

dougiefresh: aww, jacobi…

reaper_man: what???

reaper_man: oh

reaper_man: no im not being sappy and gay its bc his voice is loud and dramatic and annoying and fills the whole fucking room

dougiefresh: if u say so!

reaper_man: i DO say so

reaper_man: i didnt mean to dump my gay shit on u that was really weird

dougiefresh: hey dont worry about it!

dougiefresh: it sounds like he’s p used to being physically close to people but he puts extra care into touching u

dougiefresh: which can definitely be romantic

reaper_man: he also says shit to me sometimes like ‘jacobi your eyes look nice today’ and im like theyre the same eyes i had yesterday but thanks! and u would think ok flirting but he says the same kinda thing to maxwell so i dont even know what to do with that

reaper_man: like oh ok this isnt flirting hes just weird

reaper_man: and i don't even

dougiefresh: u don't even?

reaper_man: the gay thing

dougiefresh: ah…...

reaper_man: it’s hilarious until i actually like him and he still has no idea he likes men

dougiefresh: well i don't know abt that

reaper_man: wym

dougiefresh: i mean, i really think he likes u

reaper_man: yeah?

dougiefresh: yeah

dougiefresh: just talk to him!

reaper_man: u say that like it’s easy

dougiefresh: just sit down w the guy and tell him how u feel! mr constipated emotions!!!!

reaper_man: what do i grab him and go ‘HEY! kepler! i really like you and i feel like you maybe like me back but your mixed signals confuse me and i just want you to tell me how you’re feeling so i can stop losing my god damn mind every time you look in my direction!’

dougiefresh: i mean, i’d maybe sit him down and get him a coffee first, but yeah! pretty much!

dougiefresh: it’s ok to ask for what u need, jacobi. not everything has to be implied!!

reaper_man: yeah i... guess so

dougiefresh: did i help?

reaper_man: yeah

reaper_man: u did

reaper_man: thanks dude

dougiefresh: no worries :-) good luck!


	5. not only would i have sex with my clone, i'd probably make a bunch of clones and just get it on with all of them at once because that's how pro clone-fucking i am.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> eiffel brings up a serious question, minkowski suffers, and maxwell makes a typo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hera: hera214  
> minkowski: ModernMajorMinkowski  
> eiffel: dougiefresh  
> lovelace: thefinallovelace  
> jacobi: reaper_man  
> maxwell: am_065_073  
> kepler: WarrenPeace  
> \--  
> minkowski says fuck in this one! :-)

**eiffel and hera pls stop sexting in chat❤️**

dougiefresh: i have a very important question for everyone whos online

dougiefresh: which looks liiiiike all of u

ModernMajorMinkowski: whats up eiffel?

dougiefresh: would u fuck ur clone?

ModernMajorMinkowski: you know, i really worry about you sometimes

dougiefresh: dont avoid the question!

am_065_073: i would

ModernMajorMinkowski: thats gross!

am_065_073: how???? it's basically masturbation...

ModernMajorMinkowski: no it’s not!! it’s like having sex with your twin!!!!!!!!!

reaper_man: is not

ModernMajorMinkowski: oh you shut up we all know YOU would

reaper_man: I WOULDNT, ACTUALLY

WarrenPeace: wow, really daniel? you wouldn’t?

reaper_man: ????????????

reaper_man: hello did i miss something why is there an automatic assumption id be down to clone bone

am_065_073: jacobi please never speak again

WarrenPeace: i’m curious

WarrenPeace: why wouldn’t you? you *are* gay aren’t you

reaper_man: JUST BECAUSE IM GAY DOESNT MEAN ID FUCK MY CLONE LITERALLY WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

WarrenPeace: well i just mean that you’re never going to find anyone more compatible with you than your clone. you have the same levels of sensitivity, same preferences, and even the same secret fantasies. realistically the only thing actually getting in the way of you two being perfect sex partners would be sexuality but since that doesn’t apply to you then why wouldn’t you fuck your clone?

thefinallovelace: thats a good point tbh

reaper_man: i disagree! i dont think id be compatible with my clone at all!

thefinallovelace: but ur the same person

reaper_man: yea have u ever been in a room with someone who has a similar personality to u? that shit SUCKS

hera214: no actually i think i would enjoy that, ur just annoying

reaper_man: im annoying or ur just horny

hera214: oh sure im more horny than u are. 

reaper_man: u want me to pull up ur spotify history motherfucker? u want me to expose u for listening to the crazy in love remix at 2 am every night for the past three nights while i know eiffel has been staying in minkowski’s room?

thefinallovelace: HELLO?

hera214: culicagado im gonna beat ur fuckin ass one day u know that bitch

reaper_man: id like to see u TRY

am_065_073: no u wouldnt

am_065_073: u would probably start crying

hera214: hehe <3

hera214: ANYWAY, i think i would get along with my clone super well we would hit it off :)

ModernMajorMinkowski: getting along with your clone is fine!! being friends is fine!!!!!!

ModernMajorMinkowski: But You’re Forgetting Something.

ModernMajorMinkowski: You’re Forgetting About The Part Where You’re Basically Having Sexual Intercourse With Your Twin.

hera214: twins are not clones! 

am_065_073: as a twin- can confirm... definitely not clones

hera214: omg maxwell u have a twin?

am_065_063: yeah u wouldn’t like him he kinda sucks

hera214: oh :(

hera214: i was supposed to have a twin but then i vored them in the womb

reaper_man: why would you say something

ModernMajorMinkowski: you have the same parents! you share genetic material!

hera214: who gives a shit about genetic material you’re just fucking not having babies or whatever

ModernMajorMinkowski: i care about genetic material YOU SHOULD FUCKING CARE ABOUT GENETIC MATERIAL

am_065_073: you don’t *share* genetic material you have the exact same genetic material. your parents did not birth this clone your body was replicated into a human person who is literally 100% you

am_065_073: so masturbation

ModernMajorMinkowski: no!! thats not how this works!!

reaper_man: look at miss clone expert over here

WarrenPeace: how……… does this work

dougiefresh: you get in a clone machine and a clone pops out

thefinallovelace: and the clone isn’t GROWN from u right? like u share memories and everything?

dougiefresh: yep

thefinallovelace: okayyy so its not a question of morality or.. clonecest

thefinallovelace: its just a question of preference

ModernMajorMinkowski: isabel tell me you wouldn’t

thefinallovelace: can’t lie to you<3

ModernMajorMinkowski: WHY. WHYYYYYY

thefinallovelace: i know what i like! it’s just efficient!

hera214: lmfao u sound like kepler

thefinallovelace: TAKE THAT BACK THAT’S THE MEANEST THING YOU’VE EVER SAID ABOUT ME

WarrenPeace: haha

ModernMajorMinkowski: this is the worst

ModernMajorMinkowski: eiffel. what about you.

dougiefresh: i wouldn’t but only bc i don’t wanna have to deal with double insecurities

hera214: aw eiffel ur sexy i’ll fuck ur clone in your place

thefinallovelace: don’t make us tap the sign

_ -dougiefresh changed the conversation name to  _ **_clone bone zone🍩💦_ ** _ - _

reaper_man: nice

am_065_073: should men be allowed to speak be honest

WarrenPeace: i like the clone bone zone

am_065_073: no, u like jacobi

WarrenPeace: of course i like jacobi

WarrenPeace: i like all of u

thefinallovelace: not like u would like ur clone

WarrenPeace: well i wouldn’t fuck my clone

ModernMajorMinkowski: you JUST said

WarrenPeace: theoretically yes. but i can’t fuck my clone

thefinallovelace: why can’t u?!

WarrenPeace: because my clone would be a man and i’m not sexually attracted to men

thefinallovelace: oh my god..

ModernMajorMinkowski: i love the phrasing here of “i CAN’T fuck my clone”

ModernMajorMinkowski: not “i wouldn’t” or “i don’t want to” but “i can’t”

hera214: this bitch is consulting the hetero handbook rn he’s flipping through like he’s gonna find a chapter called is it gay to be tempted to fuck my clone

WarrenPeace: i might take my clone out to dinner, though

WarrenPeace: it would be pretty interesting to hear my own thought processes echoed back at me out loud instead of just in my head

thefinallovelace: lmaoooo what? get a load of this guy.jpeg

am_065_073: u literally just want to hear urself talk. like u don’t get enough of that

hera214: sorry ur a pussy kepler

hera214: id definitely fuck my clone but only once, im just curious

reaper_man: just once? what if u end up liking it?

hera214: well it doesnt matter since i’d have to kill her right after either way. there can’t be two mes!

dougiefresh: i think the world would be a better place with two heras :~)

hera214: awwwwwwwwww thank u baby. im still gonna kill my clone tho <3

ModernMajorMinkowski: you’re all horrible

am_065_073: sorry cant hear u over the sound of my clone going down on me

ModernMajorMinkowski: YOU ARE ALL HORRIBLE

_ -am_065_073 changed the conversation name to  _ **_minkowski clown fucker phobe_ ** _ - _

am_065_073: WAIT

am_065_073: NO

hera214: CLOWN?

am_065_073: FUCK

reaper_man: CLOWN

dougiefresh: CLOWN

thefinallovelace: CLOWN

am_065_073: NOOOOO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOO I MEANT CLONE I MEANT CLONE

WarrenPeace: freudian slip, alana?

_ -thefinallovelace changed the conversation name to  _ **_maxwell clown fucker🤡_ ** _ - _

am_065_073: NO!!!!!

hera214: so when we watched it chapter 2 on our first date…

am_065_073: IM NOT A CLOWN FUCKER! BESIDES EVEN IF I WAS IT WOULDNT BE TO PENNYWISE

ModernMajorMinkowski: oh do tell us what clowns are on your hot list

am_065_073: I DONT HAVE A HOT CLOWN LIST.

dougiefresh: let’s play smash or pass clown edition

reaper_man: u should do that as a new bit on ur goddard u radio show

dougiefresh: its called wolf 359!!! it’s a star!!! i do a cool intro and everything cmon jacobi u can't forget welcome to wolf 359!!!!

reaper_man: yea ok im not a nerd who cares about space. anyway itd be like

reaper_man: i’m your host doug eiffel! welcome to your favorite game show, Are You Down To Pound This Clown?!

ModernMajorMinkowski: i’m leaving. i have to go i have to leave right now. i am logging the fuck off

reaper_man: hey maxwell 

am_065_073: LEAVE ME ALONE.

reaper_man: isnt there a clown in homestuck

am_065_073: NO THERE ISNT FUCK OFF SHUT UP DIE DIE DIE

reaper_man: would you fuck THAT clown?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this joke is funnier when u remember that in canon they could be talking about fucking their actual real alien clones. do you think if they had let jacobi 2 in maxwell would have brought this up because i do. also the title of this chapter is totally cutter's take


	6. baby it's cooold ooooutsiiiiide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> texts from the lighting booth... maxwell lore unlocked... achievement get! daniel has "feelings"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy holidays sorry for injecting emotions but you see jacobi and maxwell are [TRIPS AND FALLS IN "THE COLONEL AND DANIEL WERE FAMILY"] [SOBBING AND CRYING]  
> anyway jacobi listens to 100 gecs and maxwell wants to kill him about it but thats not what we're here to discuss today
> 
> jacobi: reaper_man  
> maxwell: am_065_073

**so we back in the mine🤩⛏ (alana💖)**

reaper_man: maxwell

reaper_man: maxwell

reaper_man: maaaaxwell.

reaper_man: i can see ur phone lighting up w the notifs

reaper_man: maxwell

reaper_man: alaaaaaaanaaaaaaaa

reaper_man: answer me

reaper_man: oi

reaper_man: I SEE U CHECKING UR PHONE 

reaper_man: STOP IGNORING ME!

reaper_man: maxwell maxwell maxwell maxwell maxwell maxwell maxwell maxwell

reaper_man: answer me or im telling hera u don't actually like overwatch

am_065_073: what do u want

reaper_man: answer me! im bored

am_065_073: im busy

reaper_man: no ur not i can see u. ur on notes

am_065_073: yea and im busy taking the damn notes

reaper_man: bs there are never lighting notes this late in

reaper_man: and there are no more spots in this act

am_065_073: arent u busy

reaper_man: noooo cause keplers messing w the board and u know he hates when i touch it while hes working

reaper_man: cmon talk to me

reaper_man: did u just CROSS UR ARMS at me. cmoooooooooon

am_065_073: stop spying on me loser

reaper_man: im in the booth and ur on notes how am i the loser here

reaper_man: alanaaaa. whats the matter w u

am_065_073: nothings wrong w me danielllllll

am_065_073: im just bored

reaper_man: mm

am_065_073: ??????

reaper_man: nah somethings up

am_065_073: okaaaay

reaper_man: youve been weird lately

reaper_man: i think u have actually slept a full 9 hrs every day for the past week which would be impressive if u werent the way that u are so its actually just worrying

am_065_073: oh noooo im developing a healthier sleep schedule . its the end of the worldddd. everybody panic

reaper_man: and this morning when i threw a cup at u u just caught it and put it away and then i just had to feel bad for throwing shit instead of getting it thrown back at my face

am_065_073: bc it was 8 in the god damn morning and i didnt have my glasses on! and i was putting dishes away anyway

reaper_man: AND! and! u didnt tell me to shut up when i was listening to fuck teeth on loop u just got in bed and put ur headphones on which like, hey wtf, u never pass up an opportunity to bully me for geccing

reaper_man: (ur taste still sucks btw)

am_065_073: whats ur point jacobi

reaper_man: u feeling ok?

am_065_073: its nothing

reaper_man: ya clearly

reaper_man: oh i know that full-body sigh thats the ‘why is someone making me talk about my issues’ sigh

am_065_073: winter break is coming up and i just feel really ugh

reaper_man: ugh

am_065_073: yes. ugh.

reaper_man: not a fan of the holidays huh?

am_065_073: somethiiiiing like that

reaper_man: weird home situation?

am_065_073: if by ‘weird’ u mean ‘still haven't figured out where i’m staying for all of break’ then yeah. weird home situation 

reaper_man: oh

reaper_man: shit

reaper_man: where were u before goddard?

am_065_073: well i was at my parents house

am_065_073: but uh. we don't talk

am_065_073: and once i left for school it was pretty clear that was the end of it all for us

reaper_man: fuck

am_065_073: yeah lol

am_065_073: goddard wasnt my first choice

am_065_073: i wanted to go to MIT

am_065_073: i got in too. i almost did ED instead of EA but i did EA for both and. well goddard offered me full ride and MIT didn’t, and my parents weren't gonna help, sooooo here i am

am_065_073: im sorry ive been in a mood but im stressed the hell out. i have enough saved up for about two weeks at a hotel but that’s about it 

reaper_man: dude no way

reaper_man: you can come stay w me

am_065_073: jacobi…

reaper_man: im being serious 

reaper_man: my parents aren't great but i think u kinda have me beat in that department 

reaper_man: we can hang out in the attic i think i have an old beanbag couch that i can make a bed out of

reaper_man: the wifi kinda sucks and my dad will probably make u restart the router and then tell everyone u fixed the internet but yknow he might give u a $5 for it

reaper_man: oh no

reaper_man: are u crying

reaper_man: hey u dont have to maybe we could get a hotel room here ill split it with u so u dont burn thru ur savings

reaper_man: or not i can just stop texting and let u take notes plz dont cry 

am_065_073: its good crying u dumb fucking idiot

am_065_073: i love u yknow that

reaper_man: u better love me im the best

reaper_man: i love u too bot brain

am_065_073: that would be

am_065_073: *really* nice

reaper_man: i got ur back

am_065_073: thank you

reaper_man: and i dont mean just this time either

am_065_073: what do u mean?

reaper_man: i mean, this isnt a limited time offer. u can come over for winter break, and spring break, and the winter breaks and spring breaks after that

am_065_073: oh… jacobi...

reaper_man: i mean it

reaper_man: no matter what happens, i got ur back

am_065_073: great

am_065_073: i will take u up on that

reaper_man: :)

am_065_073: ;,)

reaper_man: come to the booth theres only like 20 mins left i doubt theres gonna be any last minute lighting notes

reaper_man: and uuuuuu need a hug

am_065_073: ok ill come up next scene change

reaper_man: great

reaper_man: and then NO MORE SAP thats enough sap for the next month i think

reaper_man: i need to start bullying you extra hard to make up for this

am_065_073: smh someone’s going soooft

reaper_man: shut up

reaper_man: ok curtains down get up here maxwell

am_065_073: coming!! 


	7. the union between beard and beard!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> have you ever been in a group chat full of people who love doing overly dramatic sarcastic bits, yourself included, but they start a running joke that you genuinely can't tell is a joke because all your friends are just Like That? yeah that's minkowski

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> minkowski: ModernMajorMinkowski  
> lovelace: thefinallovelace  
> eiffel: dougiefresh  
> hera: hera214  
> jacobi: reaper_man  
> maxwell: am_065_073  
> kepler: WarrenPeace  
> \--  
> keplace real but they're both gay frat bros who bully each other xx  
> this chapter is mainly inspired by some keplace discussion on discord, so if u wanna pop on over, that's here! https://discord.gg/UjVQaSUUfu

**minkowski 8 am 🥯 👀💖**

ModernMajorMinkowski: can i ask you something?

thefinallovelace: sure

thefinallovelace: abt what?

ModernMajorMinkowski: you and warren

thefinallovelace: omg he’s TELLING people?! i thought we agreed to keep it a secret for now smfh

ModernMajorMinkowski: .what

ModernMajorMinkowski: isa,

  
  


**🤔 DO it push you backwards ⁉️**

thefinallovelace: cats out of the bag i guess … i’ll just make it official … 

ModernMajorMinkowski: ?!?!

dougiefresh: whats up lovelace!

hera_214: :3?

thefinallovelace: i have an announcement to make 

hera214: spill :eyes:

reaper_man: what

ModernMajorMinkowski: What Is Happening.

thefinallovelace: warren kepler and i

thefinallovelace: are

thefinallovelace: engaged!

hera214: oh?

reaper_man: wow. amazing. mazel tov.

thefinallovelace: jacobi i am going to ignore your sarcasm because this is a momentous occasion for the both of us :)

hera214: poggers! <3

thefinallovelace: i dont know what that means but thank you hera

am_065_073: and here i thought all hope was lost for kepler… nice catch lovelace 

thefinallovelace: thanks we were meant to be <3

ModernMajorMinkowski: why are u engaged UR 19 YEARS OLD

thefinallovelace: we just felt it was the right time for us, yknow?

dougiefresh: wow thats so romantic

hera214: where is the lucky guy anyway?

reaper_man: probably terrorizing some props guy

hera214: theres rehearsal happening rn??

reaper_man: no he likes threatening the a team folks that are late on their cues or talk backstage or whatever 

reaper_man: he finds them on their way to class and intimidates them so he doesn't have to waste time and energy yelling at them over the headsets mid rehearsal

am_065_073: one time i saw him follow this girl eris into the dining hall who was notorious for bitching at all the actors and generally being rude to everyone 

am_065_073: the rehearsal after that she showed up with coffee and donuts for everyone and looked more scared than ive ever seen her look all semester 

reaper_man: the man is efficient!

am_065_073: which reminds me i need to text her she keeps bringing my donut without sprinkles even tho i specifically asked for them

am_065_073: anyway congrats on your engagement lovelace :)

ModernMajorMinkowski: im not judging but this seems so. sudden

thefinallovelace: whats wrong minkowski dont u believe in love at first sight

dougiefresh: me @ hera

ModernMajorMinkowski: when did you even get together!!!!!

reaper_man: wait minkowksi… why did you think shes been over in our room so much?

**daniel🦆**

reaper_man: 100% she doesn't get its a joke right

am_065_073: oh yeah absolutely 

reaper_man: this is so sad. can u imagine 

am_065_073: yea i can't imagine kepler marrying a woman

**🤔 DO it push you backwards ⁉️**

dougiefresh: trading clothes, honestly

hera214: i mean

ModernMajorMinkowski: .

hera214: more than one way to trade clothes!

am_065_073: BOOOOOOOOOO

thefinallovelace: GROSS LMAO 

thefinallovelace: OK I FOLD. NO MORE OF THE BIT i dont wanna think about keplers bare ass

hera214: speak for urself that mans ass is gorgeous 

ModernMajorMinkowski: I AM SO CONFUSED 

dougiefresh: nothing confusing about a little ass

am_065_073: little?!

reaper_man: shut the fuck up PLEASE

hera214: dont be jealous danny its not fair to keep the eighth wonder of the world all to yourself

reaper_man: HERA

hera214: DANIEL

reaper_man: also its NOT. its JUST AN ASS.

ModernMajorMinkowski: SO IT *WAS* A JOKE THE WHOLE TIME.

hera214: ;lkjsajdhfjfdfdjk

thefinallovelace: renée i am a lesbian

ModernMajorMinkowski: right! Well!

thefinallovelace: pl ease

ModernMajorMinkowski: well you thought eiffel and hera were together!

hera214: i am not a lesbian

dougiefresh: you’d still marry me if you were though right?

hera214: no……… 

dougiefresh: >:O!!!

hera214: IF I’M A LESBIAN I’M NOT MARRYING YOU BITCH

dougiefresh: YOU CAN GAY MARRY ME?

hera214: WELL YOU LIKE WOMEN SO IF I GAY MARRY YOU IT’S NOT FAIR 

dougiefresh: biphobia

hera214: NO

am_065_073: i’d gay marry you, eiffel

dougiefresh: THANK YOU

dougiefresh: see hera?!

**minkowski 8 am 🥯 👀💖**

thefinallovelace: i thought you were also running w the joke

thefinallovelace: sorry😭

ModernMajorMinkowski: dont be sorry i’m just relieved that you’re not actually getting married honestly

thefinallovelace: i am definitely not marrying kepler

thefinallovelace: but if someone ELSE proposed to me…

thefinallovelace: :)

ModernMajorMinkowski: AH...

**🤔 DO it push you backwards ⁉️**

hera214: ITS STILL NOT THE SAME

dougiefresh: ITS WLW MLM SOLIDARITY

hera214: THE FUCK AM I? CHOPPED LIVER?

dougiefresh: WELL MAYBE IF YOU MARRIED ME

**minkowski 8 am 🥯 👀💖**

ModernMajorMinkowski: not a marriage proposal, but student life is hosting a game night on friday…

ModernMajorMinkowski: if you wanted to come with me we could get denny’s after

thefinallovelace: is this… a date?

ModernMajorMinkowski: is it

thefinallovelace: ...renée

ModernMajorMinkowski: yes it is i am asking you on a date

ModernMajorMinkowski: do you want to go on a date with me this friday night

thefinallovelace: well that depends

ModernMajorMinkowski: ok, on what?

thefinallovelace: is the game night the date, or the denny’s?

ModernMajorMinkowski: they’re gonna have trivial pursuit

thefinallovelace: oh, cool, definitely both then

ModernMajorMinkowski: is that a yes

thefinallovelace: is it

ModernMajorMinkowski: isabel!!!!!!😖🥺

thefinallovelace: lmaooo ok ok. yes, it’s a yes ;P 

  
  


**🤔 DO it push you backwards ⁉️**

WarrenPeace: how is it that i always manage to log on during the weirdest possible conversations between you people

am_065_073: so like literally any time

WarrenPeace: alana this is the third time ive witnessed you and hera having a conversation about my ass is everything alright over there

hera214: untrue! it was ur tits the second time

WarrenPeace: what tits.

hera214: the ones that are always out bc u spend an unhealthy amount of time being shirtless. god cover up .. smh men these days dont know how to be MODEST…

WarrenPeace: hey

hera214: what

WarrenPeace: i don’t have tits they’re pecs :/

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [hephaestus club is a REAL THING, isabel!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27286525) by [and_hera](https://archiveofourown.org/users/and_hera/pseuds/and_hera)
  * [Strange Brew](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26827777) by [PunkHazard](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PunkHazard/pseuds/PunkHazard)




End file.
